This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
