I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
