She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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