it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
this hospital has no fireball
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
