So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
