I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
