I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
