Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
