got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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