The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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