You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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