Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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