im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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