so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
