First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
