my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
