That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
