I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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