They should really pass out barf bags in church
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize