YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
