8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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