Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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