what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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