Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
