I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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