i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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