2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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