So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
