what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
