Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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