I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
