I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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