So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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