Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
