my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
bring money and cleavage
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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