just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
be right there i have to get my cape
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
