I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
