I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
