At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
