it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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