I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize