I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
