she woke up with a sticky ear
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
