I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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