someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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