I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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