matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
