oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
