there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize