He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
