Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
