Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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