Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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