What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
