You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
