I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
high people should be assigned attendants
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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