Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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