i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
