somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
