If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
