So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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