let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
