Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
did you just send me my own nude
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
