So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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