I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
