She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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